Saturday, July 19, 2008

To Fill In My Past

Looking back over my blog entries, I noticed a trend...I really haven't written much about boys and dating (or lack there of). There are a few scattered posts, but nothing significant. When I started this blog, 2 years ago, it was a way for me to chronicle my adventures through senior year of college and recollect fond memories from the previous three years. I've half-heartedly stuck to my plan; however, now this blog is more of a personal diary, if you consider "personal" that which is read by people who I don't know and maybe never will.

God, I'm off topic again. Yes, back to dating. I figured that I'd start to fill in some of the gaps. This way it's on record for me and you can be entertained, maybe.

When this blog was born, a rather interesting summer had just ended. Let me take you back there…

At the end of my junior year I was seeing a boy in the med school. I thought all was great, especially seeing as I was staying in Philly over the summer to work at CHOP. What I failed to recognize was that he was essentially in school all summer going back and fourth to clinical sites, just like I had been all school year. We spent some great time together, conversation was incredible, and let's just say that he was a good host in the few days when I was homeless in between apartment leases. However, then he went out to , PA and we were apart for a few weeks. I was working at the hospital, so it was common for us to play phone tag. At first, the calls still came, but then they were less and less. On July 2nd, I actually managed to get a hold of him on the phone. He asked me my plans for the 4th and I said that I was planning on heading down to the fireworks and street fair with some friends. I asked him the same question. He mumbled something about meeting up with friends for a bbq later in the day. I could sense a distance in his voice, but he told me was just exhausted. He asked if I wanted to meet up for brunch on the morning of the 4th. Odd? I thought, but agreed.

I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was up, but I tried to let it go.

I got up early on the 4th and went for a long run...yes, in the 90 degree heat. I needed to de-stress. He arrived at my apartment around 11 and came to the back door. I welcomed him in, offered him a drink, and a seat. He sort of looked nervous, hands in pockets, rocking back and forth in his shoes and quickly suggested that we go grab some food. We walked up the block to M@rathon and were quickly seated… next to 2 of his friends. I got the sense he wanted to move our seats, but the restaurant was busy. He was sort of an a$$. He said hi to his friends and gabbed for a minute. He didn't introduce me. I introduced myself, "Hi, I'm Kelly." He followed with, "Oh, yeah, fri...she's in the nursing school."
Smooth, real smooth.

We ordered our food and made small talk, a huge change from the great conversation usually shared between us. I thought I was going to be sick. I knew where this was going and I just wanted it to be done. SAY IT ALREADY!

Then the bill came. Don't get me wrong, chivalry has a time and place, but this is modern day and I have no problem paying for my own food. I always offer. However, he had never let me pay before, so it did surprise me when I pulled out my money and he said, "Well, can you leave $15?" Uh, okay.

We got up and walked out. No hand holding, barely a door hold. We walked back, briskly, to my apartment and, again, I invited him inside. We sat on my futon and conversation seemed painful. And then he turned to me and said, "Soo...I'm not sure how you feel, but I've done a lot of thinking, especially since I was away..."
Wait, are we defining this 'relationship' or ending it?
"And what I realized is that, I don't have the time to give you....that you deserve...for this relationship"
I swallowed hard, "Uh, hunh."
"I think you're great, but we are at different points in our life. We're both just so busy, ya know?"
So now he's deciding that I'm too busy? Okay, whatever. But wait, did he just do that? He actually defined and ended the 'relationship’ in the same breath. Never heard that one before.
He looked at me and said, "This is okay with you, right?"
Erg, how do you respond to that? I'm assuming it's more of a rhetorical question.
"I understand. We've each got our own stuff going on…” I took a deep breath.
"Really? Great!"

He then attempted to go on and make normal conversation. I was hurt and really just wanted to ask him to leave. I could only hold back the tears for so long and swallow the lump in the throat so many times.
After a seemingly eternal five minutes, he got up and left. No hug, no hand shake, just the head nod (yes, the head buck forward that seems almost gangsta).

He left, I closed the door, curled up in bed, and cried. Why I was upset. It's not like we were dating, or that it had been clearly established. But as I let the tears roll, I realized I was upset because I was sad. I had every right to be sad. I lost a friend and felt like the above transpired events were one sided. Maybe I wished I could have spoken my mind, maybe not.

I've always been a quiet person. Not emotionless, but quiet. I’m a thinker and listener. I take it all in and analyze it…then I speak my mind. I'd forgo an argument if it seemed pointless. I believe we are all entitled to our own opinions and why argue over a minute point if you know you'll never change their mind, that they will see your lips move but be mute to the sound. I kept wondering, should I have said something? Would I have felt better?

In the end, it all worked out for the best. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a great group of friends that night who didn't let me sulk in solitude. They dragged me out and we had a fantastic night watching the fireworks, rain showers and all.

After a few days, the sting subsided, and I went about my life. Good friends, great memories, and fear not, a few other boys came along that summer. A few months into senior year, I bumped into the boy and we had a great conversation. We decided to meet for lunch the next day. (Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe.) We talked about the rest of the summer, his clinical rotations, my clinical rotations, his thoughts on residency, my thoughts on moving to the Big Apple and passing my boards. He seemed happy and secure, as was I. And at that moment, I knew I had made the right choice months before. He hadn't ended our fling to spite me, he did it for himself, and I'm okay with that. In this world that we live in, sometimes you just have to do what's right for you, because you know yourself best. He needed to take the time to get his plans figured out and didn’t want to deal with splitting his time. Note* I may have better perspective now on why we broke it off, but he could still use a few tips on how to let someone down in a more precise and less drawn out manner.

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