Monday, December 04, 2006

Drivers Ed

Let me be the first to remind you all that I am from Massachusetts...home to the "Mass-hole". We are the only state where it's normal to been seen in the daily commute: applying eyeliner, drinking coffee, screaming into the cell phone (something obscene about the Big Dig, I'm sure), reading the newspaper, and giving someone the finger....Oh and if you are a parent, glimpsing into the rear view mirror to see if your kid is still picking their nose in the car seat and/or wailing in their siblings with that 7 am "I wish I were still sleeping rage".

Why paint this picture, one may ask?

It's simple, today, I reached my wits end with drivers here in PA. If it wasn't bad enough that I got stuck behind the trolley on Baltimore Pike, but it was also perfectly timed that the trolley would come to a stop at the exact moment that the light turned green, only to take just long enough unloading the natives, that the light turned to red again and I got to sit at not only the green light, but also the red one.....ahh yes, it most certainly did take me 50 minutes to drive 8.6 miles to Swarthmore today.

Adding insult to injury, a homeless man gave me the finger. Well, I suppose I am making an unfair assumption that the man was homeless...but judging by his shopping cart full of trash picked treats, his dirty than a gardeners fingernails, the straight out of Vogue fashion (i.e 80's acid washed jeans, blue flannel shirt, and wanna-be Timberland construction boots, with NO shoe-I mean, "boot laces")...I am going to make the executive decision that this guy wasn't living the Park Avenue lifestyle. (Or as would be seen in the Philly area, the "Main Line" lifestyle).

I suppose you are wondering why I noticed such miniscule details about this individual, but don't forget I spent double the time at each of the 22 lights on my way to the suburbs. But I digress and back to my tale of woe.

At approximately light number 10 (right after the abandoned block of convenience stores) and before the "Adult entertainment Stop" I am just sitting there singing along to my Christmas carols (you should all be thankful that the windows were up, of my many talents, singing is NOT one of them) when I see my pal standing there trying to cross the other side of traffic. (I was at one of the bizarre 3 way lights-yet some how its an "X" intersection...hey, I can't pass judgment, in MA we have those God Damn if you are up for a good time, throw an inexperienced driver into one of those and just see the accidents that insurance salesmen dream of this at night "zzzz$$$$$zzzz"). Ok, so in an attempt to be a good person, I didn't go when the light immediately turned green and I waved the man across. Well what did I get in return? Two things...1) an OBNOXIOUS honk from the man in his pimped out early 1990's Chrysler mini-van, and 2) the finger from the homeless man!
"WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me", I thought. At this point the man is now standing in the middle of the traffic and flailing his arms and cursing at me (one of my cervant talents is lip reading...Ok, maybe its not cervant, more like nosy). I was rather taken back at this mans hysteria, but whatever, as soon as he moved, I would just drive away.

So I waited, and waited, but did the man move? NOPE! He just paced back and forth. He was now holding up two sides of traffic and the horns just kept getting louder. I wish I could say that this story got more exciting, but it really doesn't after about out 2 minutes of this, I guess he lost interest and proceeded to push his cart full of treasures across the street and take a corner turn. So if the story ends there, why am I still writing? It's simple, I need to rant about 2 more things....

#1 Horn Honking: GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE! Horns were made to alert people, not to aid in being an asshole! If traffic is stopped and NOT moving, do you really think that the obnoxious sound will change the traffic pattern.Chances are that the car 3 people up has their music blaring and doesn't even hear your little toot, nor do they give a shit about it, so why bother. Its seems futile. So for the sake of all mankind, don't honk out of hostility.

#2 Decked out (ghettofied mini-vans): I am the first to admit that we cannot all drive Jag's and Bentleys (although apparently this is news to 95% of the kids I graduated highschool with, and approximately 99% of the kids here at Penn), but come one people....Do you really think it looks cool to put $300 silver spinny rims on a rusted and wood paneled mini-van? Maybe the car was your graduation gift, maybe it was a present for getting off probation. I don't know, nor is it any of my business, but I am still flabbergasted every time I see a car that is decked out with more bling than the actual value of the car. And it's certain that the music heard blaring from the "system" inside is something from the hip-hop/rap genre. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that music all the same, but for the love of God, mini-vans are for soccer moms, not street savvy "thugs".

Alright, now before I go on and offend anyone else, I'm going to stop. I've spoken my peace, but I would love to know your thoughts.......Leave comments if it strikes your fancy.

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