Monday, October 20, 2008

Always an Adventure

Dear Mr. Cab Driver,

First let me commend you on your driving skills. You ability to from 0-60 in between lights is astounding and putting the car in park at every light? Fabulous. Can we discuss your cologne? Maybe I'm wrong, but you drive the cab to work, not find a wife. Please do all of your riders a favor and limit the number of cologne squirts in the morning to two? thankyouverymuch. I know it's a bit of a windey trip to JFK Airport, but you win the prize for most roller-coaster like taxi cab ride. Remember when you had to say , "Mizzzz, Mizzz.. Ve arh haair." two times, and you saw that I was curled up in a ball in the back of your cab? Well that's because I was trying not to vomit all over your cab. Puh leaze, don't give me that pissed off look because I only gave your a five dollar tip! Your driving was a ghastly and the ride cost $50.00.

Dear TSA Personnel,

Why must your be such a paininthea$$? I get it. You hate your job, but why must you make my life miserable? All of my toiletries fit into the little baggie, so did it really matter that my expensive hair cream, hair gel, body wash, and face wash were 3.15 ounces each? I hate that you made me throw them out. Do you know what it's like travel across the country for a wedding without your usual beauty products? Well let me give you a clue...$&@(@*#&( &#&#(#&$(#* *#^$*(@)@&$^$*#)#&$!!!

Dear JFK Airport,

Why? Why? Why? Why must your hire the most unfriendly, grouchy TSA personnel? Wait, I already addressed this issue. Oh yes, onto your layout. Can I please have the name of the architect who designed you? I'd be fascinated to know their rationale behind making the A terminal 30 gates long and shaped like a "U" where the drop off is at one end and not in the middle. Maybe this wouldn't have been so annoying to me if I weren't at gate 30 with all the international departures and having to listen to each and every announcement in 3 languages. Did I, already, ask you why the prices at the St@arbucks inside the airport are 25% more than the already inflated Manhattan prices? Now onto the taxiing on the runway? WHATTHEFUCK. Your runways are like a convoluted circuit...up, down, left, right, backward, forward, diagonal, inside, outside, loop de doo. Umm, yeah, 55 minutes later (the 22nd in line to take off), we are up, up and away!

Dear Delt@,

At first I was floored by the great deal that I got on my flights, $379.00! In fact, had I waited 3 more weeks to purchase them, they only would have cost me $325. Granted, the economy is crashing and gas is cheaper but then again, I really shouldn't be spending excessively. BI understand that on a 6 hour flight it's not necessary to serve a meal, but peanuts, only peanuts? Now maybe you are trying to pacify the Atkins followers, but I couldn't;t relax for the entire flight for fear that some person with a peanut allergy would go into anaphylactic shock. This was a vacation for me, I really didn't want to play Nurse Kelly.
Also, what's up with having to PAY for a movie- $6.00 bucks? It's cheaper for me to rent a movie at home, bring it on the plane, and watch it on my computer. Suck it up! And for the sake of entertaining your customers, especially if you want them to be return customers, include a movie in the cost of the ticket.
Do you have a screaming baby policy? Would you have kicked me off the plane if I offered the mother of a SCREAMING baby some Benadryl? Or do you strategically place screaming kids to increase the number of alcoholic beverages that your patrons purchase? With regard to the latter -did I tell you how much I enjoyed my one Margarita Margarita and Cosmo and Corona. I'm also curious about your policy on deodorant. Is it mandatory? I'm guessing not, considering the woman next to me on the way home was was of the most pungent smelling people I've ever met. How about when you hand out blankets you also give out a complementary nose plug. Please feel free to take my advice to heart. PS-i left my trash in the seatback pocket, hahah- jokes on you.

Thank You Very Much.

Nurse Kelly

No comments: