My vacation started last night at 5pm. I worked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday nights, didn't sleep, and then took day #2 of PALS thursday day. When class got over at 5pm, I'd been awake for 29 hours and all I wanted to do was relax! G and I had plans for something around 8pm. I had texted him from class and asked if he would be terribly upset with a low key evening; he said that was exactly what he in mind.
In my twisted little mind, I thought that I'd (miraculously) be energized if I went and worked out before we met up. AFter 2 hours at the gym, I really wasn't energized, but the bags under my eyes matched the shirt I was planning on wearing. I took a quick shower and lied down on my bed to read my book...it was 7:45. At 8:54 my phone was chimining (Ohhh, We're half-way there! Whooo-oa livin' on a prayer!). I picked it up, it was G telling me that he was downstaris. I got up and buzzed him into the building. Then I looked in the mirror and realized that I had fallen asleep on my book ; I had a huge imprint of the book on my face. Now there's a way to greet a boy.
I opened the door. He came inside. I sat on the couch. He sat on the couch. He asked me how I felt. I told him I was tired, but thrilled to be on vacation. I flashed him a smile. I asked him about his day. He told me it was shitty. He played poorly and then taught two lesson that were awful. I expressed my sympathy and then looked at his face. Oh boy, here it comes. I knew he had sounded funny on the phone this past week.
"Umm, that's actaully what I wanted to talk to you about...about us, this relationship, about just how far it can go....."
I swallowed, hard. I so wasn't ready for this talk. Not in my state of exhaustion. This was not how I wanted to begin my vacation.
"Don't get me wrong, I think your're perfect, and you have been more than great about this relationship, but I just don't think this is something I can do now. These last few weeks ,I've been freaking out. I'm playing poorly. I'm not here [as in this relationship] enough. I don't feel like it's fair, like I can't give it 100%."
"Umm. Did I do something?"
"No, no it's not you."
If anything, I've been so laid back about this relationship. All those of you who know me, know that I'm a tiny bit anal retentive, love to plan things, and content with a scheudle. However, things with G could not be like that. I was okay with waiting until the day before to make plans. I was okay, not knowing where we were going and/or what we were going to do until we were out and about. I was smitten with his company, his conversation, his affection. I felt so liberated flying by the seat of my pants...even it it meant that there were stretches of time (36 + hours) that I couldn't sleep. I understood that we had very different schedules, but I was willing to adapt. Don't get me wrong, I thought it sucked that sometimes we would go 2 weeks without seeing eachother, but I wasn't clingy. I didn't whine and complain. I never told him that he should come see me instead of going out with his friends. I made the best of the situation. I guess that's why I was so blown away by his admission. I never asked for more of his time.
He told me that his friends thought he was an idiot and that they were going to be so mad at him, becuase they loved me. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't about his friends. He needed to be the one interested in the relationship.
I told him I felt sick to my stomach when he said, "I'm not playing well." , I never intended to hurt his career, to be a distraction. He came back with, "It's nothing you did. I just can't handle a relationship right now."
And then I started to cry. I couldn't believe I did that...I don't cry; however, exhaustion got the best of me....and maybe I was more attached than I thought.
The "It's not you..." was supposed to make me feel better, but it only stung more. I always seems to play the nice girl who gets walked over and hurt.
"Well, it is what it is. What else do you want me to say?" I mumbled and blotted back some tears.
"I still wanna be friends. I love your company and
Listen up boys, that's great that you still want to be friends, but that's a senstive issue and it takes time. It's hard to go from dating (and all that it entails) to being 2 people who hang out, throw back some beers, and watch a football game.
"We'll see. I mean we were already friends with the same peopple before all this, so I'm sure I'll still see you out.
We talked for a few more minutes, I won't bore you with the details. Eventaully he got up, gave me a hug, and I walked him to the door. I turned the lock, put my back up against the wall ,and slid to the floor. I let the tears flow. I'm sure he heard me, the elevator hadn't come yet. I tried so hard to compose myself, but I was hurt and upset. After a few minutes, I got up and walked to my bedroom through my dark apartment. I put on my pajamas, pulled back the covers, and went to sleep.
I'd love to say that I was bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, but that wasn't the case. My puffy eyes and stuffy nose were a painful reminder of what occured the night before.
Not wanting to dwell on this saga, I turned to my stress relief. I threw on my bathing suit, went to the pool, and then laced up my shoes and hit the pavement. I was gone for 3 hours. I feel a little bit better now, but mt heart still hurts.
I guess it's takes loosing something to realize how much it meant. The night I met G, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I didn't even like the outfit I was wearing. I had been out all day running errands. Not wanting to be late for my friends birthday dinner and party, I dropped off my parcels and headed out the door. When we first started seeing each other, I was torn. I didn't want to like him, but I couldn't help it. I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him and my heart jumped when I saw his name on the caller ID. He won me over.
But now I'm lost.